deeper in, now than before

There are layers to this living here in this city. I was riding the F train home tonight after a dinner party in Manhattan and I had one of these moments that I experience every so often - it's a moment when it suddenly seems to settle in me that I live here and this is my life, these trains and tunnels, the waiting, the watching, millions of strangers, the longest winter of my life, all the dirt and grime, trash and endless overheard conversations, screeching silent subway rides. In one moment it all seems to dawn on me as if I never really saw it before - because I think usually I envision my time here as provisional - never permanent - and yet, here are these glimpses at what permanent life might be like, feel like, here in this city. And each time I catch one of these glimpses, as new york settles within me, it's as though I've experienced some rite of passage that leads me deeper into this inferno of concrete, steel, electric light and human life. How much further there is to go, how many more layers to spiral up or down - unknown. Perhaps living here is like passing through an abyss - maybe there is no bottom or end, only deeper in.