courageously foolish

thought i was brave for staying while it was all destroyed
thought i could fight it
thought i could save it

now i realize i was only foolish
left alone in the wreckage and ruins
exhausted
defeated
alive

out of sync

i used to be so brave

to write with such conviction and transparency

...and now – i can barely jot down a thought or feeling before i resign

i'm just a shell anymore, some empty vessel floating and twisting down a stream of minutes and days

an ant in an aircraft carrier
so totally out of sync and proportion with the world my body moves through
this little ant with vibrating translucent wings
moving so fast and going nowhere really
just buzzing on the stained wall of this giant vacant hull that has become my life
buzzing because that's what this little ant does
and all it knows how to do