civil discontent

rolling over from my last entry:

my pissy attitude about civilization AND an unapologetic assault on the suit / costume

two steps back and a few days later I still feel the same disquietude towards civilization – a manic skepticism I feel I've possessed all my life. And as I engaged this civil discontent with a self reflective skepticism (as in, what's at the root of my feeling this way) I came to a number of interesting speculations:

1. western civilization is old, played out, boring - like being stuck playing the milton bradley board game Monopoly all your life. I just can't bring myself to play another round no matter how many times they re-design the board and game pieces. Now it's "green" monopoloy....

2. my personality / being / whatever you want to call it - isn't the type that takes well to highly ordered and mechanized structure. By this I mean civilization is a structure. It's organized by rules and blunt geometry (mostly rectangles). There are signs that tell you what to do and where to go. Basically, the whole thing is a constructed environment, both physical and mental, that gives direction and creates order. I have direction and order of my own. I don't need or like, for that matter, being told what to do and how to do it. I rarely read instructions or follow directions. I intuit processes and paths, mechanics, etc. I make my own way.

To look at it simply, I'm not a follower. If you think of it from a biological perspective, social colonial species (living in colonies) usually have some sort of social order amongst the members of their community. Some, termed alphas, are the ones the others follow. I don't know enough about why this happens, why some are biologically/genetically alpha and others are not – especially in the more complex social order of the human species. But biologically, genetically, I'm not a follower. I also don't feel like I'm an alpha either though. I don't want to lead people, eventhough I suppose I do take that innitiative in certain situations.

Hmmm... I'll play this out in a scenario: if I was with a group of people lost in the wilderness I would likely end up one of the people leading the way. Yet, I have the tendency to not care much for those who can't keep up and am likely to leave them behind. So, if there's another leader in the group, I'm content to let that person lead and look after everyone else while I go out and do my own thing, explore the terrain and places others could not go, scout obstacles and alternative routes, then rejoin the group and share my findings or just socialize, lend a hand, maybe lead for a little bit. I'm pretty much all over the place, can't keep one role.

Put me in civilization, a highly structured society where things are ordered and set - established - and I get bored. That's knowing myself and why I, personally, am discontent with civilization.

As for Costume and Suits – I have to admit that I, just like anyone else in society, wear costume and partake in civil performance. Only, like my own being, my costume isn't from a set of established styles. It doesn't follow order or rules so much. It's a reflection, or projection, of who I am. Likewise, suits or store-bought looks are merely projections of being or role – though I might argue that the suit is strict uniform, moulded with an image of authority, like a police uniform, which easily identifies the wearer as part of a particualr group with established roles in society. Perhaps that's why I dispise the suit, or any uniform, for the mere fact that it just doesn't fit me. I can't conform who I am to an established role. I think some people wear suits and uniforms and it gives them a sense of being, a sense of direction: "this is who I am"..."because I wear this suit I must act like a person is supposed to act who wears it" – most likely because they need to be directed. Without it they don't know their role. they don't know what to do. Costume, then, gives some people a role to play, an established and ordered directive.

Stepping back and looking at all of this, I guess I understand civilization more – and perhaps people less. I have no idea what it's like to be a follower and therefore cannot sympathize nor understand their plight. Maybe civilization is their saving grace. What would these people do without it? without their uniforms and established roles? How would they know what to do, where to go, how to behave? And now, as the established structure begins to crumble, I guess we'll see...